


The Things You Do For Ex-Boyfriends

by Tyger



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, AU (derivative), Community: hardmode, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-22
Updated: 2010-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-18 23:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/194363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyger/pseuds/Tyger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel was pretty sure he knew what he was doing, when he stole that keyblade.  He's not entirely wrong, but he wasn't expecting the thing to be <i>alive</i>, either.  Wasn't expecting the paranoia that rushes through the upper echelons of the Organisation.  Wasn't expecting it to take so long, to get rid of the fucking blade.  Wasn't expecting a lot of things</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Do For Ex-Boyfriends

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://hardmode.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**hardmode**](http://hardmode.dreamwidth.org/) , wonderful wonderful art by [](http://darthneko.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**darthneko**](http://darthneko.dreamwidth.org/) and beta'd by [](http://azremodehar.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**azremodehar**](http://azremodehar.dreamwidth.org/) , who really puts up with way more than she should from me.

The Things You Do For Ex-Boyfriends

(Or, Axel Steals A Keyblade)

.

        Lea's walking down the street to pick up Isa so they can walk to school together, when he sees Ven for the last time. He doesn't know it's the last time then, of course, he just sees Ven, perched on a fence, looking up at the sky.

        "Ven!" he shouts, running over to him, all thoughts of school forgotten. It doesn't matter if he skips again. He's passing, so whatever. Anyway it's Ven, so maybe they'll be able to-

        "Lea," says Ven, smiling at him. Only he's sad, and his eyebrows are worried.

        "What's wrong?" Lea asks. What _could_ be wrong? Lea's pretty sure it's not something he did, but - but. Who could be mean to _Ven_?

        "I can't stay," says Ven, looking back up at the sky. "There's something I have to do."

        "I can help!" says Lea, because there's no way he can't, right? He's good at a lot of things, and no matter how awesome Ven is - and that's _really_ awesome - he's pretty sure he's smarter. By a lot.

        But Ven shakes his head, looks even sadder, and more worried. "I'm sorry," he says, and leans down, kisses Lea, light and teasing as a breeze. "I want you to have this," he says, and presses something into Lea's hands. And, before Lea can look, before Lea can grab him, he vanishes.

        There's not really a reason for it - not a quantifiable reason, there's nothing solid to it at all - but even then, he's pretty sure it's the last time. He feels. He feels. He wishes he didn't have to feel this.

  
        ---

  
        It's the eyes, that get to Axel. Roxas _looks_ like Ven, but that's really only superficial. Sora has the same eyes, though. Or he did, before the witch made him lose himself. There're still flickers, of the Ven-eyes, but they're fading. Even when he has the same expressions, he's starting to just look like Sora, not like Ven at all. Something else the witch has done.

        Axel's not sure if he likes it or not. Not that he can _like_ , exactly. Prefer, then. He can still do that. He hadn't really thought about Ven in years, until recently. Until he saw Roxas, who looks so much like Ven it hurt, a little, really _hurt_ , the first time he saw him. And Axel's not ashamed to admit that he'd had an inkling, at first, that Roxas was Ven. Had been Ven. You know? But Roxas is different. Not just different how becoming a nobody makes you different, and not different the way losing your memory makes you different. Roxas is _different_. It's not the keyblade; Ven was a keyblade wielder - _I'm still just an acolyte, but I'll be a Master someday!_ \- too. It's not even the way Roxas fights, though that is a big difference. It's smaller things. Unconscious reactions. The way Roxas loves sea-salt, for example, while Ven. Well. Ven had liked it well enough, but he hadn't _loved_ it, always wrinkled his nose a bit at the salt. Even when they'd barely known each other at all, Roxas never instinctively flinched from contact the way Ven did. And Roxas is the nobody.

        Most importantly, though, once he got over the way Roxas looks, he never even came close to mistaking him for Ven. Sora, though. Sora, he has. Sora doesn't even _look_ like Ven, but sometimes. Sometimes. When he's grinning with his friends. When he's staring down his foes. Axel almost thinks he's Ven. If he still had a heart, he's pretty sure that the test fight would have broken it all over again.

        He's glad Saïx isn't here.

.

        There're better things to do, he's sure, but they're at a lull right now - it's what passes for night, in the Castle - so Axel can afford to unfocus, just a little. Not a lot, not all the way, but most everyone's sleeping, or close enough, so he doesn't have to split his attention into keeping track of what they're doing right now. He should probably be using the chance to sleep himself, but Axel's always had trouble sleeping on a job. He wanders around the upper floors, instead; Sora hasn't been here yet, and probably won't - he'll have to get past Marluxia and _keep exploring_ , if he wants to. It wouldn't exactly surprise Axel if he beats Marluxia, but the rest would. Everything he's seen, heard - Sora's pretty goal-oriented. There's no real reason for him to come back here.

        No real reason for Axel, either, but he can't sleep, not yet. Not while things are still in motion, not during the endgame. Not while he can still smell Vexen's ashes, clinging to him.

        That last? Shouldn't bother him, but it does, a bit. He thinks if he had a heart he'd actually feel _bad_. Which is fucking stupid, that guy'd always been a pedantic, histrionic fuck, and losing his heart hadn't helped him any. (Not that it helped _anyone_ any, but if there's one thing you'd think it might, it'd be emotional outbursts. But no.)

        So he walks, around the upper floors, the parts of the castle that they hadn't quite figured out, hadn't quite gone over with a fine-tooth comb yet, when Sora got here. The towers, of course, but mainly it's just more corridors. Endless white corridors. If he reaches out to touch the walls, will he leave marks? He doesn't; it's best to leave no traces. But he wonders.

        The white... he thinks he'd hate it, if he could. He'd liked colour, once. Doesn't seem like something worth caring about, even if he could, now. It does do one thing, though, it doesn't distract him. Times like these, it helps. Just him, and his thoughts, and the white. (And Vexen's ashes, clinging.)

        It's not like this is the first time he's been here - he'd done a cursory check of the whole place, top to bottom, before they even got here officially, made sure he wasn't going to get lost. And now that they are here, he wanders at 'night', instead of sleeping. Not investigating, just kind of.. being. Ha. He's got to know the upper levels pretty well, really. As much as you can in a place like this, anyway.

        Which is why when a piece of the wall slides open - a piece that looks like any other piece of wall - the first thing he thinks of is _three days of no sleep means you're insane_. Not that he's human any more, but -

        He stops, turns, reaches out - and the wall, it's really gone. No marks. Just a short corridor, of the very same white walls - and then a door.

        Big door. Impressive. But all the doors here are like that, it's not really worth noticing. What is worth noticing is that it's _blue_.

.

        It's closed, of course. Axel could tell that even before he walked down the corridor. Closed, probably locked. You don't have such a well-hidden room and not lock it. (You don't have such a well-hidden room and just open it up to someone passing by, either. That's just _stupid_. Maybe the castle is broken; everything that's been going on, Axel wouldn't exactly be surprised.)

         _Come in, won't you?_ asks a voice on the breeze. If by on the breeze you mean in his head. These days, that sort of thing barely even makes Axel twitch. (The voice, though. He knows that voice. Knows that voice twice over. What...)

        The door is closed. Axel looks at it. Breathes in, and smells Vexen's ashes (tastes them in the back of his throat). That's right. No touching. Leave no traces. He turns, walks away half a step -

         _It'll be okay, Lea._

        Freezes.

        (The time before the last time: _It'll be okay, Lea. Even if the unversed attack, I'll protect you. I promise._ )

        Turns back. He's trembling - such a human reaction, he doesn't know why that stayed. It's not like he can feel this.

        ( _It'll be okay, Lea._ )

        Axel opens the door.

.

        Ven is sprawled out, over a throne as white as the rest of the castle, though in some way different. This whole room is in some way different - perhaps because so much of the castle is the _same_ , the small things stand out. The chains, the insignia, the blue. Blue, in Castle Oblivion. Axel's not sure what to make of that, yet.

        He'd like to say Ven was blissfully sprawled out, grinning down at. Well. But he can't. He can't, because Ven is unconscious. Sleeping, maybe, but Axel's not so sure. Not only is the sprawl kind of unnatural - not that Axel can talk much about proper posture, but he figures that just means that if _he_ can tell something's screwy it probably actually is. But mainly it's because Ven looks exactly the same as when he last saw him.

        That was more than ten fucking years ago.

        More than ten years ago, and Ven hasn't aged a day. Clothes are maybe a bit more battle-worn, but not by huge amounts. He still looks exactly the same.

        Thirteen years, three months, twenty-two days.

        He still looks exactly the same.

        Axel leans back against the door, shutting it behind him. For some reason or other he's not sure he can keep standing.

         _What's wrong?_ asks Ven's voice. Still inside his head. The body doesn't so much as twitch.

         _Lea, what's wrong?_ He really sounds concerned. Like Ven was always concerned, when things weren't sunshine and rainbows. (Things were usually sunshine and rainbows, around Ven. He was just... like that.)

        "Lea's dead," says Axel.

         _No you're not_ , says Ven's voice, sounding confused.

        "He is," says Axel. Ven's not bright, but can't he see? Isn't it _obvious_? The difference between having a heart and not having one... it's immense. Blatant.

         _You're broken_ , says Ven. Not consoling, or sugar-coating, just matter-of-fact. It's something he'd - it's something Lea'd always liked about him. _But you're not dead, Lea._

        "I'm not him." No matter how hard he's tried. He's just. Not.

         _You are._

        "I'm not."

         _Your soul's the same_ , says Ven, as though _he's_ the slow one. _So you're the same._

        "My - his heart..."

         _It ran away._ It sounds like a sad smile. Like it's an unfortunate accident, not - not the end of an entire fucking human life.

        "It got _eaten_ ," Axel spits, because fuck if he's going to let Ven start sugar-coating things _now_. Some days he can still feel the claws in his chest.

         _Oh_ , says Ven. _Oh, Lea. I'm sorry._

        "Well, whatever." It's not like it's Ven's fault or anything. "Where've you been?" It's the only left-over thing he really wonders about, any more. Why the fuck Ven just left like that. Not that he'd promised to come back, or anything, but - well. Ven was a _nice_ guy. A decent, honest, honourable guy. Why _wouldn't_ he come back?

         _Here_ , says Ven. What? _Something bad happened. It's safe here._

        ...no seriously, what? "So you've just been hiding all this time?" Hiding and not growing?

         _My heart ran away. Well, more it got lost. So I can't really move at all._

        Axel just. Just. Ven _too_? But why is he... comatose. Not a nobody, not really; he doesn't have that same sense of _kin_ that other nobodies have. (Not that nobodies are really a species to have _kin_ , as such, but it's obvious, when something's just as not-real as you are. It's a close enough word.)

         _But I got some of it back!_ Enthusiastic; Axel's pretty sure he'd be doing that half-bouncing half-ready stance thing he did, if he could. _Most, I think. It kind of broke, though. A little while ago._

        A _literal_ broken heart? How does that even _work_?

         _If I had a keyblade_ , Ven continues, seemingly on a roll, _I think I could probably get up._

        "What happened to the one ya _had_?" Axel asks, before he even thinks about it. Which is bad. He's better than that, usually.

         _Oh, uh._ And _that's_ embarrassed. Blushing embarrassed, and fuck if Axel doesn't remember that look. _I sent it to look out for Aqua? Something bad happened to her, too, I think. She said she'd be back soon but..._

        But she hasn't been, that much is obvious. Nothing about this is still 'soon'. Anyway, from what Axel's picked up, here and there - years ago, now, but his memory's good - Aqua's also kind of dead. He'd never actually met her, but he'd felt bad anyway, when he'd heard. He thinks he still would, if he could.

        He doesn't tell Ven about that. Should just leave it at that. Should just make some more smalltalk, such as it is, make his apologies and leave. Should go straight back to the boss, 'cause he's pretty sure this is something he'd kill to know about. He shouldn't let his brain start working - connection here, connection there, he's always been smarter than he let on, even when he'd been topping his classes. What he really, really shouldn't do is look at it, and see some more of the bigger picture. It's not something guys like him are supposed to know, and it will probably get him killed, if he slips.

        But. It's Ven.

        And he's always liked living dangerously.

        "I think I know where a keyblade is," he says.

.

        Axel doesn't even try for Sora's. He's not that stupid - anyway, they're in Castle Oblivion. Even if he grabbed it, it'd only be a card. A memory.

        What Ven needs is the real thing, and while he has to admit to thinking about it on the side, the next couple of days it's all he can do to keep track of the here-and-now. Ends up almost dead - fakes it so it looks all the way, then hangs around in the shadows - figuratively, given this place - to watch how it all pans out.

        He wonders if he should kill the witch, but then there's Riku. Riku would track him down and slaughter him, and there's no way he's going to die just yet. And, not that it would stop him, but the witch has kind of been fun, to watch grow up. He wonders if that makes him kind of like a parent, but - nah. It's not that kind of thing. Cousin, maybe, older brother at a stretch - what he likes is _annoying_ her, pushing her buttons. She lives, in any case - lives and _owes_ him, which could be useful. For what he doesn't know yet, but that's fine. Better to have options, and all.

        He goes and visits Ven again, before he leaves for good. Half to prove to himself it wasn't just some sleep-deprived hallucination, but the other half's just 'cause he wants to. Wants is probably the wrong word; what he _wants_ is to see Roxas again, have ice-cream on the clock tower and chat (wants to kiss him, touch him, be on his knees before him, but - no. He won't. Won't push that, not with Roxas.). But he does kind of want to see Ven again, too, though it's a different sort of want.

         _You're hurt_ , says Ven, as he walks in; he'd been able to find the secret door pretty quickly, this time - at least it doesn't move. It's not entirely a surprise; the important rooms tend not to.

        Axel shrugs, sits down in a corner, facing the door. He probably shouldn't sit, but he's exhausted; better to sit than fall down.

        "I'll be fine," he says. And he will, no doubt about it. As fine as he can get, anyway.

         _Be careful_ , says Ven, and it's kind of strange, to be fussed over. Not something he's _ever_ gotten much of, to be honest.

        "I will," he says, but does not promise.

.

        Axel doesn't go home. Well, of course not, it's not like he's ever really had one - the place before, that's not Axel's home. The Castle That Never Was? It's home in the sense that he lives there, but that's not what a home's about. After all, home is where the heart is. Ha!

        So Axel doesn't go home. He doesn't go back to the Castle, either, though he kind of wants to. If he goes back, he can see Roxas, after all. He wants to see Roxas.

        But he's still at least halfway to nonexistence, and he doesn't exactly want to go back bearing not the best news while he is. Also, if he's going to help Ven out, he's never going to get a better chance than this.

        So he hangs out in the remains of what they're calling Hollow Bastion, these days. Recovers, pokes around while steering clear of the few people who've come crawling back. He knows a couple by name, few more by sight, but not many. No one he'd known particularly well.

        Figures.

        He finds the keyblade, of course. It's not that hard to find, not for a guy that remembers all the sneaky entrances into the castle, and at least half the secret passageways. And doesn't have to worry much about getting kicked out any more.

         _Getting_ the keyblade. Now, _getting_ the keyblade ain't going to be the most simple thing in the world; the whole room smells like the boss, and if he actually does more than peek in himself, well. It's gonna smell a bit like him, too.

        That would be bad.

        Same reason he can't get his assassins to grab it, and, well. The heartless will just get eaten, really. Not that that's a bad thing, exactly, but it does mean they can't really help.

        Most guys, they'd give up right there. But then again, most guys? Didn't have a youth full of misdemeanours. Also probably didn't do an entire summer project on non-magical prestidigitation and optical illusions. And didn't learn the hard way about the importance of subtlety. Again, and again, and again.

.

        In the end, all it really takes is a dumber-than-usual heartless, and a fuckton of string.

        He even manages to get the armour out too, though it's not like he has any use for it. It's too small _and_ girl-shaped. Still, it makes it look more like a proper looting, so he figures it's better if he grabs it while he's there. He doesn't take it far, just stashes it under the eaves of one of the towers, but it's gone from the immediate area.

        And then he has a keyblade to deal with. Kind of tied up in string, but he has a feeling that wouldn't stop it from killing whatever the fuck it wanted. (Axel's a little keyblade-shy these days. Recent memories, all that. At least it doesn't look like Sora's.)

        "Okay," he says, and feels a little like a fool for talking to an inanimate object, but not willing to take the chance it doesn't work. "This is how it is. I ain't nothin' like a keyblade wielder, but you don't kill me, and I take you to Ven. Got it memorised?"

        The keyblade, of course, does nothing.

        "Right," says Axel, and tentatively picks it up by the handle.

        There is a bright, _bright_ shining light, and - _happiness-greetings-happiness-happiness-greetings!!_ \- ringing in his head. When he can see again, Axel finds himself covered in silver-white and pink sparkles.

        "What the fuck," he says.

.

        

.

        Axel takes a few weeks to rest up, and tries to get used to the keyblade. He never would've guessed the thing was so fucking _talky_. No wonder all the keyblade wielders are a little... strange. And okay, it's not like it's _sentient_ , not really; doesn't really seem to have a mind or anything. But it's _alive_ ; conscious on much the same level as... maybe a dusk. He can see it wandering about and killing things, if it wasn't a solid piece of metal.

        Speaking of, there has to be some way to disguise it, just in case. The boss will make him _wish_ he was dead, if he finds him with it, Axel knows that for _sure_. If it looks a little different, that'll at least help. And he does... he does actually have a keychain. Didn't know what it was, exactly, when he first got it, and never really thought he'd use it when he did, but... He'd thought of maybe giving it to Roxas, something to remember him by before he went off to Castle Oblivion, but. Well.

         _I want you to have this._

        Somehow, he just couldn't.

        But hey, it's useful now; maybe it was fate. ...ha, like a guy like him could have _fate_. It maybe takes him a couple of days, but he ends up clipping it onto the keyblade. Changes it, from it's utilitarian yet minimalistically stylish steel to a much more stylised silver-and-red.

        Ven used a keyblade like that, for a while.

        It's not like it _surprises_ Axel, exactly - where else would Ven have got a keychain? - but it's still. It's still something, whatever. Makes him think. He's been doing a lot of thinking about back then lately. He's not sure it's good for him.

        He needs the weeks to figure out how to fight again, too; the keyblade - stupid _fucking_ keyblade - it likes to think that now he's got it it's got _him_. Which is so far from true; Axel's not a blade-fighting kind of guy, and he _knows_ it. Yeah, sure, maybe the keyblade likes him well enough to not disappear on him, but it's still not _his_. He's a chakram fighter, always has been, and even if it wasn't tantamount to suicide to admit he's got a keyblade there's not fucking way he's going to change his fighting style _now_.

        It really wouldn't be a problem - he's perfectly capable of reaching for the _right_ things in the netherspace, thank you very _much_ \- only for the fact that the keyblade? _Really wants to fight_. It's like some sort of demented fucking _puppy_ , not that Axel's ever had a puppy; a heartless appears and all it wants to do is _killkillkill_. Tries to force its way into his hand; he hasn't let it get its way yet, but the pause has been kinda fucking obvious. Which really isn't good. Really isn't any fucking good.

        So he spends a few weeks healing and fight-training, and learning how to live with the dumb puppy-like consciousness in his head.

        By the end of it? He really needs some fucking _ice cream_.

.

        So he does eventually does go to get some, and - Roxas.

        Roxas.

        RoxasRoxasRoxas.

        It's not that he'd forgotten how little anything other than Roxas really matters at _all_. It just strikes Axel even _harder_ , each time he sees him.

.

        Saïx, on the other hand, has gone even further off the deep end, while Axel's been gone. It's not like it's a surprise, exactly, but it's still. It still sucks. Especially after seeing Ven; before that he'd almost, _almost_ been able to start to forget what Isa had been like. He can't, though. Can't stop looking for the Isa in Saïx. He's memorised them both, and they're so different, but. He can't help it.

        It's strange; he thinks this might actually be _easier_ , if he had a heart.

.

        He writes his report, of course. It's motherfucking _long_ \- nearly twenty pages, plus notes, and that's just the high points. He figures that's the best way of going about it; he can give his brick of an in-depth thing when he has more than a few hours to put it together. Good memory or no, notes he's taken at the time or no, the entire thing had been a fucking _mess_ , and while he's sure the boss will want a play-by-play eventually, what's important _right now_ is Marluxia's treachery. And the way in which he was dealt with. (And probably the state of Sora; keyblades seem kind of like a resource, these days. Another reason not to let on what he did.)

        He doesn't mention Ven. More to the point, he doesn't mention the room he found Ven _in_. And yeah, okay, no actual positive confirmation, and he'll use that wriggle room as much as he can, but he's pretty sure that room is the room he was sent to find, specifically, along with his other duties. Not including it isn't exactly lying, but he knows he'll eventually be asked straight-out whether he found it or not. By the boss, or maybe Xigbar - Saïx, for all his flaws, doesn't exactly do direct. Not to Axel. Not about this sort of shit.

        Axel has a sinking feeling that, when asked, he's going to say that no, he _didn't_ find the Room of Sleep. It'll be the first time he's ever straight-out lied.

        He hopes he doesn't die for it.

.

        He doesn't really notice it, for a couple of days, what with Saïx all but confining him to his quarters - sending him to bed with no supper, what does he _think_ he is, his mother? Ha! Even when he'd been human his mother had never been that uptight - to write his report, but the entire feel of the castle has changed. Demyx, who is actually a pretty reliable barometer when it comes to the mood of the Organisation, is just a little bit too loud, a little bit more flippant than normal, and flinches away from the figurative shadows, not just the ones trying to claw through him.

        Something, in short, is up, and not in a good way.

        Of course, even if Demyx had for some reason been out, that would have been pretty fucking obvious. _Xigbar's_ on the warpath, and Axel can't remember that happening before. Ever. Not even _before_ ; he'd been pretty much the only one that actually seemed to _like_ Lea and Isa. Wouldn't let them in any of the really _cool_ labs, but he didn't kick them out when he caught them sneaking around, either. He's always been a pretty laid-back dude.

        And now he's on the fucking warpath.

        Axel's not exactly sure what set it off, the Castle thing or the keyblade thing, but either way he figures it's probably his fault.

        Shit.

.

        Missions have changed, even; no one's going out alone. He wonders, a little, about that, but then he's assigned a mission with Roxas - Saïx seems to think it's a punishment, and Axel might possibly play that up a little. Roxas knows what he _means_ , and Saïx thinks what he wants him to think so that's good.

        They're assigned to go find Xion and bring her back - she's been out on a mission nearly two weeks now. Axel's not sure what to think about that - on the one hand, she's probably taking the boss' attention off him, which is _good_. On the other, Roxas is worried. Axel doesn't like Roxas worrying. (Axel likes that he clearly _does_ , and _really_ does, though; it's not like he has the memories to tell him he should, or how that even works. And he the fact that he'd been so obviously worried about _Axel_... That'd been pretty fucking sweet, he's not ashamed to admit it.) Axel's not sure what to think of Xion herself, either; from what he's picked up she really seems like bad news, but Roxas likes her. He figures Roxas liking someone says good things about their character.

        Saïx's tip as to her whereabouts is Twilight Town, which, well. He's the mission guy, he'd know, right? And Axel's pretty sure he wouldn't screw them over in this; the boss wants to know where the fuck Xion's gone too. And blatantly not giving the boss what he wants? Not exactly good for your life expectancy!

        Still, it's strange, if Roxas really has been eating ice-cream with her on the Clocktower. Either he's a lot worse at sensing the presence of others than he thought, or she's hiding from them.

        Neither is really a good option, there.

.

        The days roll on. They find Xion, and that's troubling in its implications. Still, Roxas clearly likes her, so he gives them some advice. Nothing too explicit, but then they go out on a few missions together, and that seems to work. Which is good, he guesses.

        They spend a lot of time on the clock tower, eating ice-cream and talking. Axel gets to know Xion, and okay, he can see why Roxas likes her. She's cute. Not really his type, but cute. She might be Roxas' type, though, and he'd already promised himself he wouldn't push. So he doesn't. He _wants_ , though. That's almost overwhelming enough, this stage of his existence.

        When he's not hanging out, he's mainly out on missions. Doesn't have a permanent partner or anything, but there's still no one allowed to go out solo any more. Except Xigbar, but Xigbar's out almost all the time now. Not even Saïx knows what he's up to; that's unusual. Saïx implies that Axel should sneak off and find out, but. No. He's busy enough as it is; Saïx wants to know, he can find out his own damn self.

        He's barely sleeping, and that fucking _sucks_. Most of the time, when he goes up to his room to sleep? The fucking keyblade starts whining at him. It wants to kill heartless. It really, really wants to kill heartless. It can't force his hand, thank fuck, at least not without him giving it more subconscious leeway than he does, but it makes it hard to sleep.

        He really needs to get it back to Ven, but right now that's impossible.

.

        "No missions," says Saïx, about ten days after they find Xion.

        "Ha?" says Axel, pretending to clear out his ear. "What's that?"

        "No missions," Saïx repeats, without even a minor change in expression.

        "Huh," says Axel. "That so. Right, I'm goin' back to bed." He turns to do so, sees the scarily identical confused expressions on Roxas and Xion's faces. "Hey, hey, sleepin' while you can's important!" They don't argue, as he waves and walks out, but then they rarely do. Don't seem to realise they could even want to. He thinks it would bother him, if he had a heart; he remembers it did when Ven took things at face value. Then again, he also kind of liked it. Hearts are confusing.

        He doesn't go to sleep, though. Not just yet. No, it's true, no one goes on missions, and that's kind of strange, to say the least. They all get warned about going out without permission, too, and when the fuck did _that_ happen last? Long time ago. Years, he thinks.

        And then Xion gets called up to see the boss, and oh. Oh, that's going to be bad.

        There's nothing Axel can really do about it though, not without making things worse for himself. And eavesdropping on the boss is pretty much impossible; he has some sorta sixth sense about it (seventh, eighth sense, something, whatever), so no matter how impossibly quiet you are, well. He _knows_. Only reason you don't get called on it is 'cause he wants you to think you've got away with some secret knowledge or shit; Axel's been around long enough to figure that out.

        And this ain't the kind of meeting that'll fly with, he's sure. So he goes down, checks in on his assassins - yeah, they're nobodies, but they're nobodies a little like him, so they appreciate some company sometimes. So he spends a little time down there.

         _Then_ he goes the fuck to sleep.

.

        There's a knock on his door. Fuuuuck. And he'd been having such a _nice_ nap, too. Axel sits up, rubs the gunk out of his eyes - it sticks to his gloves a little, but fuckit. Half-calls his chackrams to his hands, just in case.

        "Yeah?" he says. He's still half-asleep and he knows it, and it's probably Saïx, so that'll be _bad_ , but waking up properly isn't gonna happen so easily. It'd been a _nice_ nap. And it's not like Saïx won't barge in anyway, if he doesn't respond. Better for it to be on his terms.

        The door opens slightly, and Roxas pokes his head around, looking kind of awkward.

        ...woah. Axel has at least a half-dozen fantasies that start off _just like this_ , and uh. Uh.

        "Axel?" asks Roxas, as though he's not sure if he's welcome.

        "Hey," he grins, relaxing a little, playing it cool.

        Roxas grins back, and hops across his floor - yeah, okay, the rooms themselves are kind of spartan, but Axel's been here longer than he really wants to think about, and he _likes_ stuff. Likes having stuff around. No one can sneak up on him when he's in here, that's for damn sure. Roxas hops up on Axel's bed, not looking awkward at all now. Which is. Just. Axel wants to lean over, kiss him until that kind of worried look goes away, 'till he's flushed and happy and - no. No, he's not pushing. Has it memorised. (It's hard to stop thinking about it, though. Roxas is on his _bed_.)

        "What's up?" Axel asks. Doesn't comment on the fact that Roxas has never come to his room before, in the hopes that making it a non-issue will encourage him to come _back_.

        "Xion's been gone all day," he says, looking at his knees. Ah, shit.

        "Yeah, well, boss _does_ like to hear himself talk," he says, which is totally true. And something that's just got more pronounced, as the years go on. It's like that, though. You can't care about shit, so the stuff you end up hanging on to tends to take up more of your... life. Self. Whatever.

        Roxas makes a noise of acknowledgement, but he doesn't sound convinced. Which doesn't exactly surprise Axel; from what he's heard it's not like Roxas has had a one-on-one with the boss himself. Which is a good thing, positive sign, all that, but it also means he can't quite understand. It's better if he doesn't. The boss sees _through_ you, and that takes fucking forever to get used to.

        "Hey, hey, stop... worrying." There's not really any other word, for what Roxas is clearly doing, even if it's strange, to say about a fellow nobody. If he was human, he thinks he'd be able to reach out, for that sort of wordless comfort thing he half-remembers, but that sort of thing needs a heart to even have a chance of working. He still wants to reach out, of course, but that's different, and he's promised himself he wouldn't, so he doesn't. He leans back against the wall instead. Can't quite stop himself _looking_ at Roxas, but it's not like that's new.

        "Because I don't have a heart, right?" says Roxas, with a half-smile.

        "Well, yeah," says Axel, because _duh_. "But even if you did." Axel's pretty sure that if he had a heart, Roxas being worried would really bother him. He gets a twinge, a half-faded memory now, after all, and he can extrapolate.

        "It's gonna be okay, then?" Roxas asks, connecting the dots for once.

        "Probably," Axel admits. At least okay enough for Roxas not to be worried; the boss, he's not much about executions. That's kind of Axel's speciality, heh. And if Axel doesn't know anything about it, well...

        Should be fine.

.

        They stay under lockdown. It takes all of five days for cabin fever to set in.

        Luxord's pretty much the only one not affected, really; this is his idea of a good time. But not even _Xaldin's_ allowed out, and that? That's bad news for _everyone_. Roxas and Xion don't know what to do with themselves - they train, mostly. Play cards with Luxord, sometimes, but mainly they train all day, because they don't know what else they could do. They still hang out with Axel in the evenings, but it's different. They can't get out to Twilight Town, and all the group areas are kind of... crowded. The castle is big, but most of it's labs, training grounds, rooms for the lesser nobodies to inhabit. The few social areas they do have always seem to have someone in them - often Demyx, who drives everyone _insane_ when he doesn't have missions to tire him out. Or Saïx, who really doesn't deal with a lack of a job well. Really fucking doesn't. He lurks. Reads reports and _lurks_ , and, then longer the lockdown goes on, the more likely he is to jump on people for minor details. Spelling errors. _Ugly penmanship._ All the trivial shit he doesn't usually have time for, but now that there's nothing new coming in, now that he has _all fucking day_ to read...

        Yeah. It gets ugly. Fast.

        Xigbar's still AWOL, but that's less of a surprise it would've been before all this. Axel spends about half the time Roxas and Xion are out training sleeping, and another bit of it finishing up his report backlog. The rest, though, he spends with Roxas and Xion. Training, sometimes - the keyblade _likes_ that, almost as much as it wants to kill heartless, which Axel frankly finds strange; it takes twice as much effort than usual to keep it under wraps - but usually he watches. Xion's not bad, getting better, but _Roxas_.

        Still growing into his power, but he's already so _strong_. It's hard to say, but Axel's pretty sure he's at least as strong as Ven was, the first time. And Ven had been training for _years_. Axel wants to see what Roxas'll be like in years. How fucking strong he'll be. For right now, though, all he really wants is to feel Roxas' strength, pushing him down, slamming into him, yeah, _fuck_ \- but no. No, he promised himself he wouldn't. He contents himself with watching Roxas fight, instead, and yeah that's nowhere near what he wants, but it's enough he can make do.

        It's enough.

  
        ---

  
        Roxas has no idea what to do with himself, really. There aren't any missions, he's caught up with all the other work Saïx makes him do and no-one else seems to take seriously, and Xion won't train with him _all_ the time. He's not really sure what else there is to do. Sure, sometimes he trains with the samurai and the dusks, but they wear out really quickly. And, well. He can play a couple of games with Luxord, get a shiny thing off Demyx, and run an errand for Xaldin, and it only takes up maybe half a morning. Then he's got the whole rest of the morning to himself, really - Axel sleeps until at least noon, and Xion does things that she won't tell him about. Things for the boss, he thinks; if he ever sees her in the morning she's always talking to Saïx.

        Training by himself is kind of useless, unless he does one of the hologram missions - but, well. He'd memorised them after the first week, so it's not like he learns anything useful from them, any more.

        It'd be good if he could fight Axel more, he thinks. Not that Xion isn't good, but he's fought her a lot. And she's not Axel. Axel knows lots of things they don't, and, well. He's Axel. Roxas doesn't really understand most things, so it doesn't surprise him he doesn't get Axel, either, but he knows enough to know that Axel is... different, somehow. Being with Axel is different than being with Xion, than being with anyone else. Fighting with Axel is different, too, the same sort of different. He knows why being with Xion or Axel is different than being with anyone else; they're friends, and being friends means he _likes_ them, better than anyone else. He doesn't know what the difference between Xion and Axel is, why being with Axel is _more_ than being with Xion. More what, he doesn't know, and maybe it's not really more, it's just the closest word he can think of, to what it's like. Axel's just really _there_ , when he's around; Roxas can't not notice him. Can't not feel his heat. Can't not keep an eye on him, no matter what else is happening.

        Maybe it's because of when Axel went away; the whole time Roxas had noticed Axel not-being-here (never-being-here-again, but that was a lie, that wasn't real). Maybe now as well as _like_ it's also not-not-being here? Maybe that's it. He's not sure; he still doesn't _understand_ , so how can he know? But that seems to kind of make sense.

        Maybe, anyway. He's probably missing something, he usually is. ...and he's just spent another morning thinking about it. He's beginning to want to just ask Axel. Even though it feels a little like cheating. At least then he'd _know_ , right?

  
        ---

  
        Seems to surprise all the newbies - and by newbies Axel means everyone that came later, which is almost half of everyone, now. Weird. But yeah, seems to surprise them, that Xaldin's the first one to have a fucking breakdown. Doesn't surprise Axel, much, all the scientists were fucking crazy - by definition, almost - and the first year or two _after_? Well. It'd become pretty fucking obvious that Xaldin can't deal with being confined for long, no matter how big the (building, cave, whatever's got him shut in), and that's all Axel really wants to remember about that. Saïx, he sees the signs, tries to intervene. Too used to managing, Axel figures. Axel just ducks down, and gets the hell out of dodge.

        Practically speaking, that means hiding out in his room 'till it's over, which makes him feel like he's five, but fuckit, it's practical.

        He actually catches up on sleep, though, totally, which hasn't happened for ages, and he actually reads a fucking book- when the fuck was the last time he did that, huh? Probably when he was back in _school_ , what the hell. He'd like to say it's a trashy porno, but truth is it's political theory from a world he'd visited long enough to actually understand the local written dialect. It's a little more theological than he likes (Axel figures if there are gods - gods that rule everywhere, not just a single world, anyway - they're _assholes_ , and so why should anyone take what they say as law?) but otherwise pretty interesting. Actual attacks on monarchies are pretty rare, though, and while he's not too sure about anarchism - in some ways he lives it and it ain't so great - that part keeps him pretty entertained.

        Still wishes it was porn, though. But you take what you get. Usually doesn't get enough time to find people's porn stashes, but they don't bother hiding their revolutionary political (economic, philosophic... the sciences tend to get a bit more overprotective, at least) theories. Axel doesn't fucking get it, but then he never has. Porn was a more common topic of conversation at dinner than theoretical politics, when he was human, though, so maybe that's it. Isa always gave Lea the stink-eye when he talked about it in public.

        Suddenly, the door bursts open.

        Roxas slams it shut again behind him, looking. A little rumpled, really, but mainly freaked out. Axel uncurls himself from where he'd jumped in a corner, and gives him a bit of a smile.

        "Hey, what's up?"

        Roxas looks behind him, like he's he's not entirely sure it won't burst open. "Xaldin..."

        Ah. "Lost his shit?" Which explains the rumpled in a much more satisfying way than what Axel had automatically assumed.

        "Yeah," Roxas agrees, eyes a little whiter than normal.

        "Boss shoulda known better," says Axel. "Xaldin... well, you know. Air. Needs to blow, right?"

        "Oh," says Roxas, like he's only just now getting it.

        "Xion okay?" he asks, 'cause he knows Roxas well enough to know he'll beat himself up if she isn't and he doesn't at least do his best to help.

        Roxas nods, though. "We made it to her room first." Oh...? Xion and Roxas' rooms are next to each other. What's he doing up _here_?

        Obviously something in his face must've given his thoughts away - he's not so good at subtle, around Roxas - because Roxas looks down at his feet, and kicks the ground a little. "Had to make sure you're okay too," he says.

        "Aww, Roxas, I'm _touched_ ," says Axel, which is, alas, more a lie than not. But he relaxes, too, sprawls out on the bed and drops the book to the floor. Looks up at Roxas, and - holy fuck, is Roxas _staring_? Axel crosses his arms behind his head, spreads his legs just a little more. Oh fuck. Oh fuck he _is_ , cheeks a little red, and. And.

        Axel suppresses a shiver, just lounges and watches Roxas. Watches Roxas watching him, fuck. He's not pushing. He's _not_. No matter how tempting it is.

        He probably wouldn't even if he hadn't promised, though; Roxas looks a little like he wants to bolt. Scaring him off now would just ruin everything. Left to make up his own mind, though, Roxas doesn't run. He's just not that kind of guy. Axel likes that about him, too.

        "Axel, I," he starts, then shakes his head, and sits down. On the bed. Next to Axel. Fuck.

        Axel scoots over, though it's maybe not as much as he could. Maybe.

        Roxas curls up in a ball, half on the edge of the bed, and looks at his knees. It's his brooding position; Axel knows it better than he'd prefer.

        "It's weird," he says. "Sometimes I just... want to touch you."

        Axel can't suppress this shiver, barely even tries to. "Yeah?" he says, encouraging, because fuck, yes, _please_.

        "Yeah," says Roxas, then gives him a sharp look. "It's not weird?"

        Axel shrugs. "Everything's weird to someone." It's as true as anything is, these days. If it's weird for nobodies to want to touch, though, Axel really doesn't give a fuck.

        "It is weird, then," says Roxas, voice oddly heavy. Defeated, almost.

        And okay, it's kind of pushing, but it's not _really_ pushing, not trying to _make_ him do anything. Not really. "I never said I'd mind," he says. A little softly, a little huskily, but fuck. That, he just can't fucking help.

        Roxas jumps, sits up properly, and _looks_ at him, eyes such a bright, bright blue. Reaches out, and touches.

.

        Axel keeps snacks in his room, so they don't even bother leaving for a couple of days. It seems kind of pointless.

        Weirdly, Roxas sleeps more than he does. It's during one of those times, when Roxas is sprawled out next to him, relaxed and trusting that Axel won't snap his neck, that Axel realises that there is nothing, _nothing_ , he won't do for him.

.

        It's nearly three weeks after lockdown starts, that boss finally gets the stick out his ass long enough to figure out that yeah, he's pretty much _asking_ for a revolt, if he keeps this up. 'Course, Axel's been reading about revolutions lately, so that might be colouring his judgement a bit. But not by much - if they were human, the tension would be fucking _palpable_ , he's sure. As it is, there's still a fucking buzz of it. Even Luxord's getting sick of this; no one's in a mood to play games, really. Even Demyx is getting - well, not grumpy, but antsy. Not like he wants to actually do any fucking _work_ , of course, but he's started waxing poetic about music and shopping and days spent on the beach doing a bit of both.

        Axel's not really much of a beach guy - sand gets stuck fucking everywhere - but even he's finding himself thinking it'd be kind of nice. Better to be in Twilight Town, he reckons, but people tend to not mind fireworks so much on beaches, so that's something. He can still appreciate a good firework, now and then.

        But yeah, when people start fucking agreeing with Demyx's pipe-dreams, well. You know you've got a fucking problem somewhere. It's with something like fucking _relief_ they get back to work. Axel reckons they all deserve a day off, for putting up with this shit, and says so as obnoxiously as he can manage - which is pretty fucking out there, he's not gonna be modest about it.

        And it's still paired work, all the time, and that's looking more and more like it's going to be permanent, which fucking sucks. Axel's used to working alone, and it suits him. Not that he _minds_ working with Roxas, not that he minds that at _all_ , and that seems to be the consolation prize. Not that Saïx is thinking of that, he's thinking of how to make him start bitching about something _else_ , for fuck's sake, but hey. Fact is, though, that he never does his best work this way, and he knows it. And, maybe more importantly, it means he doesn't have much of a chance to go see Ven, and get rid of this stupid fucking keyblade. It's only got _more_ obnoxious, as time goes on, and, perhaps even worse, Axel's starting to get used to it. Still obnoxious, but a normal, everyday sort of obnoxious, like Demyx's bitching or Luxord's cards.

        He thinks if it could that would scare him.

.

        There's a fuckton of missions, to try and make up for what hasn't been done, which keeps them busy. Axel manages to make it up to the clock tower most days, but even so, that's pretty much all the free time he has. Which sucks, and not only because he doesn't get any alone time with Roxas to speak of. All his stored up sleep is rushing away, and that's just. It sucks, it isn't fair, and it doesn't surprise him at all.

        But even like this, things are kind of... okay. He meets Roxas and Xion in the evenings, and they talk and laugh and have stupid fights, and - it starts to seem like that even if they don't have hearts, even if nothing moves forward, things will be okay. If things stay as they are forever, that'll be okay. Not wonderful, not perfect by far, but okay. And to be honest, that's more than Axel's actually hoped for for _years_.

        So that's how it goes, for not just days but weeks, and yeah, they're being worked hard, but it's not impossible, and that's a step up from what Axel tends to get (sometimes he thinks the boss hates him, not that he can hate or anything). Except then Xion gets... sick, he guesses. Sick is probably the wrong word; they're nobodies, and it's not like she's _ill_. She's just... asleep. Asleep, and won't wake up. Can't wake up?

        It reminds him disturbingly of Ven, and. If Ven's survived that long, if Ven's stayed asleep that long and not changed at all, where's the guarantee that Xion will ever wake up? Why is she sleeping, anyway? Is it something to do with Roxas? Ven says he's sleeping because his heart 'ran away', but Xion's a nobody. How does that relate to her?

        Axel doesn't know, but he's going to find out. If only so Roxas stops looking so _worried_.

.

        It only takes Axel about a week to make up his mind.

        He gets up early enough to have a decent breakfast _then_ lurks about in front of Roxas' room.

        "Hey," he says, falling into step with his friend. "You got a mission today?"

        Roxas frowns as he's thinking. It's kind of cute. "Probably, why?"

        "Meet me back here when you're done?" he asks, a smirk cutting across his face. There's no doubt about what he's _implying_ , not to an outside observer. If there's one around, but Axel hasn't made it this far to take that shit for granted. Not here.

        If it was Ven, he's pretty sure he would have got an is-this-the- _time_ type disapproving frown. Roxas just looks confused, for a second, then shrugs. "Sure."

        "Great," he drawls, and feels like he should want to ruffle Roxas' hair.

.

        Like most days, Axel's mission runs later than Roxas'. Doesn't really matter much, it's not _too_ late. Kind of strange, not to go to the clocktower, makes him feel a little exposed, but the way Roxas smiles at him when he opens his door makes it all okay, somehow.

        He'd intended to say hi, ask about his day, maybe make out a little in case someone was listening. Really, that's what he intended.

        Only, soon as the door's closed, Roxas pulls him down, slams him up against a wall, and kisses him so hard he tastes blood. And doesn't really stop.

        And, well. The fuck would Axel want to protest _that_?

        ...

        ... oh, right.

        "Hey," he manages, as Roxas sucks on his neck. Which is. Nngh. Really fucking distracting. "Hey, stop."

        Roxas bites him, which makes his fingers twitch, his head swim, and oh fuck he just wants to tell Roxas never mind, keep going, keep going, _don't stop_ \- but he doesn't.

        Roxas leans back, and glares at him, as he tries to get his breathing back under control. There's a smudge of red on Roxas' teeth, before he licks it off, _fuck_.

        "As nice as this is-" which is really, really fucking nice, and Axel's having a hard time remembering why anything else is more important - "'s not why I called you here."

        Roxas scowls. "You don't want-" he starts, and shit-!

        "Nonono, I want, I want!" He's gotta know that, right? He's _gotta_. "I really fucking want to, but-" he leans closer, speaks softly into Roxas' ear. "I've got an idea on how to help Xion."

        The change is practically fucking instantaneous. Roxas steps back, and he's frowning at him again, but it's a serious frown, not a pissed off one. "How?" he asks, eyes boring into Axel's skull; he barely even looks like five seconds ago he was half a step away from fucking Axel into the wall. Hard. (And oh, Axel can't think about that now, even the _thought_ is such a fucking tease; he wants that so _bad_ , but- no. Not now. Later, though. Definitely later.)

        "Shh," says Axel, grinning down at him, and pulling him through the dark. It's hard, in the Castle, to portal around inside; the castle's unreal, they're unreal - things tend to slide, you end up going further than you think you should be, if you don't just slip back into reality. Real places have some friction to them, it's easier to judge. Particularly if you've been around the block a few times, so to speak.

        It's why Axel arranged to meet in _Roxas'_ room - it's next to Xion's, so if he just tries to portal back a _step_ -

        They appear in the middle of Xion's room. She's still corpse-still, utterly unchanged from when he'd been in here last, other than the pile of shells next to her. Axel doesn't get the shells - he thinks Roxas is bringing them (who else _would_?), but he hasn't got a fucking clue why. He doesn't ask.

        "Right," says Axel, disentangling himself from Roxas to pick up Xion. "You wanna come with and make sure the heartless don't eat us, or stay here and play guard?"

        Roxas rolls his eyes, and summons his keyblade. (The keyblade in the back of Axel's mind _sings_ , at that, a joyful little _here-together_ , which he suppresses so it doesn't jump into his fucking hand in reaction. It's getting harder and harder to do.) "Where are we going?" Roxas asks.

        Axel grins, and even he can feel the teeth in it. "Castle Oblivion."

.

        Getting to Castle Oblivion is kind of a bitch. The world it's on - a strange, fragmented thing, it's not really like a proper world at all - really fucking _hates_ portals, and there's just one place at the far corner of it that you can reliably get in. And then you walk, because trying to local-port outside the Castle itself? Is just fucking _asking_ for trouble.

        Usually, this is, you know. Kind of a bitch. Axel had totally fucking forgotten how much the heartless like Roxas, like Xion - are starting to like him, too. He thinks he knows why, but he really really doesn't want to think about it. It'll go away soon, after all. Better to not concern himself with unnecessary complications.

        That's turning out to bite him on the fucking ass, though, 'cause as soon as they touch down they get _mobbed_.

        Normally this wouldn't be so much of a problem - Roxas is strong, deadly, gorgeous, and even if Axel is't a keyblade wielder ( _is not_ ), he can more than keep up with him. Only Xion, limp and heavy in his arms, complicates things. Rather a fucking lot.

        It puts all of the fight on to Roxas, pretty much, and that's not fair. Axel wants to fight too, but it's all he can fucking do to keep Xion safe. He uses his magic, much as he can, but it doesn't help all that much, in the long run.

        Time they get to the castle itself, Roxas is about to fall over. Axel hops over, slams his body against the door to open it. Falls back through it, far and fast enough that he can set Xion down on the steps leading up to the First Floor Memory Room. She'll be safe there.

        There's a clang, and Roxas makes a pained sound. Axel freezes, looks up, hand already on a potion bottle and.

        And.

        Oh, shit.

        Shit shit shit, it's not that the heartless have got Roxas - not that they're not fucking _close_ , but Roxas has fallen back into the castle, too, and.

        And.

        The clang was the keyblade dropping to the floor; it's not going back to its other-space so much as _dissolving_ , which is weird and would probably be interesting if it wasn't for the fact that Roxas is holding his head like it's going to fucking _explode_ or something and shit shit shit what the fuck happened!?

        "Roxas!" he calls, jumping up. His throat's gone dry, for some reason.

        "M-my head... hurts..." Roxas grits out, falling to his knees. Axel manages to set the heartless near to him on fire, and they flinch back a _little_ , but-

        "Y' all right?" he asks, managing to summon his chakrams after way too fucking long, the stupid fucking keyblade-

        "Fine," says Roxas, but he's obviously, obviously lying. "Xion... is Xion..." Axel slashes two neoshadows apart, pivots on his heel to firaga a megashadow. "What is... that..." Roxas starts murmuring to himself, but Axel can't take the time to listen, he's too fucking busy trying to get rid of the heartless; slash slash combo dodge air slash fire strike _megaflare_ , and when the inferno clears enough to see Roxas is. Roxas is collapsed on the floor, utterly still. Just like Xion. Just like Ven.

        Axel hesitates, just a moment, then swoops over, picking him up without even breaking stride. Local-ports to the end of the corridor, and sets him down next to Xion.

        Looks back up, and. Fuck. The door's still open, the castle is filling with heartless.

        Faced with this, two unconscious friends at his back and a horde of monsters marching towards them, intent on ripping them limb-from-limb, Axel does the one thing he's been trying desperately not to do.

        He summons the fucking keyblade.

.

  
        

  
        ---

  
        Roxas' head hurts. That's the first thing he notices. It feels like... it feels like his brain's been scrubbed clean, like dishes in the drying rack. It hurts. But it also feels cleaner, like he can think better. Clearer.

        Still, it hurts. He can hear fighting, though, smell heartless-dark. He opens his eyes, and sees Xion. She's still unconscious. He's been leaning on her.

        Roxas frowns, shakes his head. He looks over to the fight and. Stares.

        Axel's fighting, but that doesn't surprise him - he knew that, already, unconsciously. Axel's fighting with a _keyblade_. It's silver and red and kind of ornate, almost graceful. Axel's holding it weird, so it's almost parallel with his arm, but it's definitely a keyblade. Axel has a keyblade.

        Why does Axel have a keyblade?

        He knows how to fight with it, too, he combos and dodges and does a strike raid, only with extra fire. Does a few other moves, too, that Roxas has never even _thought_ of. It's not. It's not like it looks _natural_ to him, the same way his fighting with chakrams does. When Axel fights he normally looks like that's what he was born to do, like cutting through his foes with surgical precision is as easy as breathing, and Roxas isn't good at this, but he thinks if he was human he'd call it beautiful.

        This isn't like that. He's still graceful, Axel's always graceful. But it's not natural like that. Roxas can see Axel frowning, concentrating. Roxas doesn't think he's seen Axel _concentrate_ , before. Not like this. Sometimes, usually when they're in bed together, he gets intense, focused. But that's really different to this. That's just like he _wants_ , like it's all he can think about - this is like it's _hard_.

        Roxas shakes his head. He's thinking too much, what he needs to do is _help_. He stands up, calls the keyblade-

        ...

        Calls the keyblade-

        ...

         _Calls the keyblade-_

        ...

        Roxas suddenly understands why a human might do something as silly as _panic_.

  
        ---

  
        Axel kicks the last heartless out, and pulls the door shut.

        Fucking _finally_ ; it feels like he's been fighting _forever_. The keyblade disappears with a content little purr in the back of his mind; he gets the feeling it's going to get a hell of a lot harder to deny it from now on.

        Good thing he's about to give it away again, then.

        He looks over, to where Roxas and Xion are, and - Roxas is standing! That's _great_ \- and he local-teleports over.

        Roxas is staring at his hand, which is opening, closing, opening again.

        "You okay?" Axel asks. He wants to wrap his arms around Roxas, kiss him. Make sure he's all there in the best way possible.

        Roxas looks up at him. "I can't use the keyblade," he says, face and voice both a perfect blank.

        "Shit," says Axel, almost like he really feels it. "How-" he starts.

        "What," says Xion, whisper-soft. They freeze, look at her. Her eyes open slowly, and she sits up. "Castle Oblivion," she says, just barely louder.

        "Xion!" says Roxas, own troubles instantly forgotten. Axel doesn't forget, but fuck, Xion's awake for the first time in like a _week_ , and.

        "Roxas," says Xion, eyes wide and surprised. "Axel."

        "Finally woken up, huh," says Axel, but he can't quite stop grinning. This ain't exactly what he was thinking of, when he brought them here, but fuck. She's awake. He's counting that as a win.

        "How long was I asleep?" she asks, and huh. She _knows_ she was out a long time? It's not like Axel's done that, but it seems kind of weird. That she would _know_.

        "Seven days," says Roxas. He always does that, counts by days, not weeks or months like a normal person. But fuck, Axel's been around enough to see how most worlds count things different, when it gets to time more than a day. Maybe that's just the way Sora's people tell time. (Maybe that's all Roxas knows, without memories of a human life. Then again, not like it really fucking matters, either way. Roxas does what Roxas does.)

        "I see," says Xion, and she nods and stands. "Why are we here?"

        "Axel thought-" Roxas starts, then he frowns. "You had a keyblade!" It's almost accusingly. "Why?"

        Ah, fuck. He'd seen that, had he. _Fuck_. Axel doesn't want to talk about it. Not to Roxas, who just doesn't _get_ politics - or, to be honest, interpersonal relationships - and wouldn't even think of lying about anything. Not to Xion, who he still hasn't figured out yet. But he won't lie to them, either. Not directly, not if he doesn't have to. It's not the way he likes to operate.

        "I'm no keyblade wielder," he says, which to his mind is _true_. It's just a temporary inconvenience, that's all.

        But the two of them stare at him - Xion confused, Roxas almost _angry_ \- and Axel. He just. He _can't_ , he can't just leave it at that, leave them hanging and dissatisfied. And he can't lie to them, either. This would really be a great fucking time for an interruption, but hey. It's not like life's ever given him a break _before_ ; he's not surprised it doesn't now, either.

        "It ain't mine, okay?" he says, after a long, tense moment. "There's this guy I used -" but that's not right, is it? Not really. "This guy. He asked me to bring it to him." He shrugs. "He knows about this sorta shit, too, which is why we're here."

        Roxas seems to take it at face value - no surprises there - but Xion frowns. "A friend?" she asks.

        And that. That's a fucking _nasty_ question, not that she knows it. Ven is. Ven is.

        "Not _my_ friend," says Axel, and it twinges, a bit, but it doesn't really hurt.

        Roxas and Xion look kind of confused now, though, and fuck. That'd be right. He _would_ make friends with the only two nobodies to _not_ get the implication behind that phrasing. Fuck. And Ven is. If they go and see Ven - and there's no way _Axel's_ not gonna go, not after coming this far, and he has a sneaking suspicion they'll tag along whether he likes it or not. Well.

        He looks up at the ceiling. Up to where Ven is. "When I was human... I knew him," he says.

        The two of them, they make surprised noises, start asking questions. Axel ignores them. They want to know what having those memories is like, but Axel doesn't want to talk about them. They do more harm than good, he's pretty sure.

        He opens a local portal - unlike the Castle That Never Was finding the right spot here is _easy_ , as long as it's a local in the castle itself. Actually _opening_ it is at least twice as hard as usual; for a fractured world it's weirdly not close to the dark at _all_. So he concentrates on that, opens a portal just down the hall to where Ven's secret room is. Walks through. Leaves it open long enough the two of them can follow, if they want, but not long enough they feel they have to.

        They follow.

.

         _You're back!_ says Ven, as they enter the hidden corridor. Axel can almost fucking _see_ his smile.

        "Yes?" says Xion, looking at Roxas oddly.

        "I didn't say anything," says Roxas, frowning back at her.

        "But-"

        "Yeah," says Roxas. "But I didn't say anything."

        "I'm back," Axel agrees.

         _Hi! Roxas, Xion, hello!_ And okay, what the fuck? Axel didn't say anything about _either_ of them to Ven, didn't breathe a fucking _word_ , so how?

        But they're at the door, now. Axel reaches out - glances back at his companions. They're confused, but no less willing, so he opens it.

        Nothing inside has changed. He hears Roxas freeze, Xion gasp. It's not all that surprising, really.

        "Yo," he says.

         _Hi, Lea_ , says Ven, and Axel could swear the corners of his lips twitch up.

        Axel scowls. "I _told_ you, that guy's dead. I'm Axel. A-x-e-l. Got it memorised, this time?"

        A sad sigh. _If you say so_. Axel wants to yell at him, because he'd known Ven wasn't smart, but _this_ , this wilful ignorance just pisses him off.

        He doesn't, though. It's beside the point.

        "Why-" Roxas starts, but Axel holds a finger up in the classic give-me-a-sec-will-you pose, and he falls silent. He never would have thought it would be this strange, to have them both in the same place, but it is. Axel just wants to get this over with and get the fuck out of here. Go back to the castle, and pretend it never happened.

        He has very little faith that that's what'll actually happen, life being what it is, but fuck.

        "What do you need me to do?"

         _Here_ , says Ven, and that's not wishful thinking, the fingers of his right hand twitch. Which is a good sign, Axel's pretty sure. He summons the keyblade - for the last time, thank fuck - pulls off his keychain, and places the hilt in Ven's hand.

        Ven's fingers close around it, slowly, and there's a bright light. Bright enough Axel can't see anything, and spots start floating in his vision, but he doesn't shut his eyes. Doesn't look away.

        When his vision returns, Ven's breathing, sitting up properly. rubbing at his eyes with his off hand. Then he smiles up at Axel, and Axel can remember, what it felt like to be smiled at like that, when he was human. It doesn't hurt as much as he thought it would.

        "Wow, Le- Axel. You really got tall," says Ven, surprise and something like awe in his voice.

        Axel barks out a laugh, because of all the things to say. Of all the fucking things to say. Humans! He shakes his head and steps back, lets Ven get up. Which he does, bones cracking loud enough Axel almost thinks the castle is breaking.

        "Oh, wow," says Ven, staring at Roxas a little. "You look like me!" He bounds down to take a closer look.

        "Why do you know my name?" Roxas asks, scowling back at him. Yeah, Axel would like to know that too.

        "Huh?" says Ven, obviously kind of confused. "Oh! Well, you carried me with you, of course I know that much."

        ...what? No, seriously, what? Roxas and Xion both look as confused as Axel does - both look up at Axel to check if it's just them, yet again. He reckons it must be kind of nice to not be the only ones in the dark, but Axel fucking _hates_ not knowing, and if it's affecting Roxas somehow...

        Ven smiles, soft, and pokes Roxas in the forehead. It glows, where they touch.

        "You feel like the keyblade," Roxas says, eyes wide.

        "The keyblade?" asks Xion.

        Ven shakes his head. "The χ-blade. It's not a normal keyblade." He grins, then, "But that's okay! I can get you normal ones! You have potential, so it's okay! C'mon, this way!"

        And then he's bounding out of the room, down the corridor.

        Axel glances at the other two, but he's already pretty sure they're going to follow.

.

        They follow Ven downstairs. Not just downstairs, but _downstairs_. Axel doesn't really like being down here; it still smells like the downstairs crew. Like Vexen's little experiment. Like the real Riku, too, and that puts him on edge, because out of all of them, he's the one that's still alive.

        When they finally catch up to him, he's right at the end of the very bottom floor, and is staring at the strange brown door there. Or, at least, it looks like a door, Axel's never seen it opened. And trying to 'port through it just doesn't work, which is usually what happens if you try and 'port through a wall into solid rock, or something.

        Not that Axel knows anything about that in anything other than theory.

        Ven is frowning at the door.

        "But it's an _emergency_!" Correction: Ven is _arguing_ with the door. What the hell, Ven.

        Not particularly surprising, the door doesn't seem to answer back, or move at all, or, in fact, do anything but be a (closed, locked) door. ...though thinking about it, that is actually kind of weird. Since when has life been that mundane?

        "Are you okay?" asks Xion, frowning at him a little.

        "It won't open," says Ven, sighing.

        "Y'do have a keyblade," Axel reminds him. Isn't unlocking doors what keyblades _do_? Axel's not exactly an expert, or anything, but...

        Ven shakes his head. "It's protected. It's only supposed to open when a Master opens it, and." He's not, is the obvious conclusion. "But- but Master - Terra -" He sighs, composes himself. "And I don't know where Aqua is, and even if Master Xehanort was here...." His face hardens, knuckles turn white as he clenches his fists. Xehanort? Axel _knows_ that name, and that's-

        That's really not good.

        "But you really need keyblades, right? Because that's how you fight! But it won't let me in." He slumps, looks defeated. Axel thinks that should make him feel bad. "I'm sorry."

        "We can't go back like this," says Xion, softly. "Saïx will kill us." Axel doesn't have any fucking idea how she got that idea into her head, he's never heard anything like it. But that doesn't mean she's _wrong_.

        "He wouldn't," says Roxas, frowning at Axel like he expects him to agree.

        Axel shrugs. "I don't pretend to understand Saïx," he says. All he knows for sure is that he won't let that happen, if that's what Saïx tries. He _won't_. No matter what.

        Ven frowns thoughtfully. "We could go to the graveyard," he says quietly. "There might be some that still work there."

        "Let's go," says Roxas.

.

        By the looks of it he's the only one, but light portals really fucking bother Axel. Walking through it, it feels like parts of himself are being seared away. Maybe he's lived in the dark too long - the other three, in contrast, seem happy. Energised. Which is the furthest thing from fair possible, but hey. Life.

        The graveyard... it looks like a desert, but it's not. Axel knows deserts, and this ain't one of them. Not even the weird cold deserts. This is a fucking _wasteland_ , and Axel has no idea what the fuck happened here, and isn't sure he wants to, but he's pretty sure that if they'd come where while it was happening the'd be dead already. It's not as comforting a thought as he'd like it to be.

        Axel thinks he can see why the place is called a graveyard. (It's creepy-quiet, too, there's nothing here. Not even heartless, and Axel'd thought they'd be _everywhere_ , by now.)

        They walk for what seems like forever, but is maybe an hour, at most, until they get to a canyon.

        "If you see any tornados," says Ven, looking at them all seriously. "Run. They won't chase you outside the canyon." Since when do tornados _chase_ people, is what Axel wants to know, but it also doesn't entirely surprise him. They've gotta be magic, in a place like this, and, well. Magic does that kind of shit.

        When they get to the end of the canyon, there's a short tunnel-like gap, that widens into a circular basin. Any other world, Axel would expect a spring, or some plants, or something, but here? It's just as barren as the rest of the world.

        Ven walks over to the shady side, and collapses agains the wall. Looks at the ground, for a second, then looks up at them.

        "Aren't you _tired_?" he asks. And sure, Axel could go for some sleep, but-

        "We're not done yet," says Roxas. You don't stop until you're done. Ever.

        Ven looks kind of confused, but ends up just shaking his head. "I need a break," he says, "but the keyblades aren't far away now, if you want to keep going."

        "You be okay?" Axel asks, because it's Ven, and he's human and this really isn't a place that's good for humans. He's pretty sure.

        Ven smiles at him. "I'll be fine," he says, and says it with such confidence Axel's reminded of the last time. And.

        He doesn't think he should leave him, but Roxas has already started walking down the long, long corridor-like canyon, and he can't leave Roxas. He _won't_.

        "Call, if something happens," he says. And then he turns around and leaves.

.

        Axel has little more than a second to boggle at the sheer _amount_ of keyblades set out in the field, before he gets shot. Right where his heart would be, if he had one. Axel shakes it off, summons his weapons, and - is slammed into a rock wall, in the not-fun way.

        "Y'know," says Xigbar, getting up close and idly waving a gun at Axel's face, "I always woulda pegged you as too much of a coward to be a traitor."

        "Wha?" says Axel. Because okay yeah maybe the keyblade thing, but he doesn't even _have_ the keyblade any more, so what-? Over Xigbar's shoulder he can see Roxas and Xion; they haven't even realised something's wrong yet, too busy poking around the keyblades with the nearest thing a nobody can get to enthusiasm.

        "Playin' dumb, huh? Now _that_ ain't surprising, at least. But see, no way you can wriggle outa _this_ one, dude. Story's this: no way you coulda known about this place without hackin' the central servers. You tryin' to tell me you _didn't_?"

        "Not even once," says Axel, which is even true. He's not a bad hacker, but he suffers no illusions that he's _that_ good; he sticks to the paper copies of things, when he needs to find out something he probably technically shouldn't know.

        Xigbar's mouth twists unpleasantly. "You tryin' to tell me one of the _kids_ did it?"

        "Don't think either of'm even know what a computer _is_ ," says Axel. He'd honestly be surprised if they did.

        "So," says Xigbar, gun poking against the underside of Axel's jaw pointedly. "Where the fuck-"

        " _You_ ," says a voice Axel could've mistaken for Roxas', if it wasn't for the honest and true anger interlaced with it.

        "Ha?" says Xigbar, turning around to look at Ven. Ven, who's glaring at Xigbar like he'd like nothing more than to take him apart, piece by piece. It's not an expression Axel had ever thought of seeing on _Ven's_ face, not ever.

        It's really fucking sexy.

        Roxas and Xion have noticed something's up by now, and they each grab a keyblade seemingly at random, and start running over. (Axel thinks it's got less to do with Ven and more to do with him, but like fuck he's going to complain.)

        "No," says Xigbar, and Axel's close enough he can see his eye go wide, almost like he's shocked. "No, you're dead."

        ...what? Since when does Xigbar-?

        "Where are Aqua and Terra?" asks Ven. _Demands_ Ven, really, which isn't a word Axel'd've ever associated with Ven.

        "Those eyes," says Xigbar, "why're you always lookin' at me with those eyes?" He drops Axel, summons his other gun, and Axel isn't stupid - he local-ports out, behind Roxas and Xion.

        "Axel!" says Roxas, turning. "Are you okay?"

        "Fine," says Axel, frowning over at... well, it's devolved into a fight, of course. That's not surprising at all. Ven has his armour on - except for his helm, where's his helm gone? - and is actually doing pretty well, against Xigbar. That's not really surprising either.

        "Why are they fighting?" asks Xion, and Axel just has to shake his head.

        "I haven't got a fucking clue," says Axel, and it feels a bit like a failure, to admit that, to these two. But at the same time, it's kind of... freeing.

        "Oh," says Roxas. Surprised, that Axel doesn't know, maybe a little disappointed, or is that just Axel over-thinking it? He can't tell. "Should we help?" he asks.

        "Who?" Axel asks back. Because fuck if he knows. He's been a member of the Organisation for what seems like forever, but then again it's _Ven_. He hasn't got a fucking clue, which one's more important. Which choice will keep Roxas safest.

        So, he just watches. Some days it feels like that's all he does.

.

        Ven wins. Wins, but doesn't kill Xigbar. It's not really surprising.

        "Where are Terra and Aqua?" he asks again, keyblade at Xigbar's neck, foot holding his arm down.

        "Dead," says Xigbar.

        "Don't lie," says Ven. "They're not dead. I'd know."

        Xigbar laughs. "If they ain't dead, they're close enough. That girl, she disappeared into the darkness, never came back out, trying to save your Terra. But he was already gone, same as Master Xehanort. It's that kind of story." Xehanort, again? Axel's pretty sure that's not good. Not good at all. The boss...

        "Into the darkness," says Ven, obviously thinking about it.

        "You gonna kill me, brat?" asks Xigbar, scowling up at him.

        "...no," Ven admits, letting him go. "But if you touch Lea again, I'll find you." It's a threat and promise both.

        "Le-" Xigbar looks back over at Axel. "Huh." And the way he's looking at Axel... that's probably not good. Shit.

        But Xigbar doesn't say anything, just looks at Roxas and Xion, instead. "You'd better get home, kids. Past your bedtime." And then he's gone, portaled out.

        Axel rubs at his neck, where Xigbar had grabbed him.

        "Axel?" asks Roxas, looking up at him. He seems kind of concerned.

        "Yeah?"

        "Are we going back now?"

        Axel looks up at the sky. "Hmm. That's a good question."


End file.
